Daily Schedule for SAHMs

I wrote a couple posts of daily schedules for infants and toddlers lately (see here) so I thought it would be fun[ny] to write out a daily schedule for stay-at-home-moms.  This is a little tongue-in-cheek, but also totally true.  Don’t worry, I really do love my children!


Way Too Early Tell toddler to get back in bed.  15 times.

7:00amBeg husband not to go to work yet so you can just take a shower in peace.

7:02amFall asleep instead.

7:30am Husband leaves.  No shower today.  Feed the animals kids.

8:00am Start laundry.

8:30amPut on the same sweats you wore yesterday.  Sniff armpit, then shrug and skip the deodorant.

9:00amWonder if it’s bedtime yet.

9:30am Bribe toddler with TV while you put the baby down for a nap.

10:00amThink about cleaning the kitchen.  Sit on couch instead.

10:30amSpend half an hour getting two kids ready to run to the store.

11:00am Cancel grocery trip to clean up explosive diaper.

11:30am Realize you haven’t changed the laundry yet.  Start to go down to the laundry room, then notice toddler sprinkling the salt shaker all over the living room.

12:00pm Make lunch for kids.  Feed kids.  Try to hold it together just a little bit longer.

12:30pm Wrestle Tuck in two kids for nap.  Consider having a glass of wine, but then every possible “What if” scenario that involves needing to be sober enough to drive to the hospital pops into your head.

1:00pm — Somebody’s crying.  Make sure it’s not you.  Pray she falls back asleep.  Do a happy dance because God listened.

1:30pmPut one dish in the dishwasher.  Look at the rest of the dishes in the sink.    Consider switching to disposable plates for life.

2:00pmRealize you haven’t had lunch yet.  Eat what’s left on the toddler’s plate since you still haven’t put it in the dishwasher.

2:30pmSomebody’s crying.  Promise yourself you’ll go up if she’s still crying in 10 minutes.

3:00pmGive in and go get the crying kids.

3:01pm Text husband, “Coming home yet?”

3:30pmChase toddler around house to retrieve a stick of butter.

4:00pmLoad two kids into the car to finally go grocery shopping.

4:02pmBack out of the garage.  Somebody vomits.  Abort mission.

4:30pm Put two dirty kids in the bath.  Baby sucks on toddler’s toe.  Save baby’s life.

5:00pmHusband is home!  Throw kids at him.  Mumble, “Hey!” while brushing past him on the way to the fridge.  Pour glass of wine.

5:30pmRemember you don’t have anything to make for dinner because you never managed to get to the grocery store.  Order pizza.  Pepperoni counts as a vegetable, right?

6:00pmCheck if it’s bedtime yet.

6:30pmPretend like you can’t hear the toddler calling your name repeatedly.  Daddy’s home, right?

7:00pmPut baby to sleep while toddler decides it’s the perfect time to play the drums.

7:30pmPut toddler to bed.

7:35pmTell toddler to get back in bed.

7:45pmTell toddler to get back in bed.

7:55pmTell toddler to get back in bed.

8:00pm Enjoy a glass of wine with husband.

8:30pm Gush about how amazing and cute and well-behaved your kids are.  Completely believe yourself. 

9:00pmCrawl into bed.  Realize you never finished the laundry.  Pretend like you didn’t just realize it.  Wonder why your husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.  Kick him out of bed for snoring.

Midnight Finally fall asleep after running through lists in your head of all the things you need to do the next day.  

32 thoughts on “Daily Schedule for SAHMs

  1. I am laughing so hard at this schedule hahaha! wonder why hubby can sleep immediately his head hits the bed and wish you could kick him out of bed for snoring. I can totally relate to that. Thanks for sharing.

    1. This made me laugh and think of the antics of my own children. I don’t mean to laugh at your chaos, but I do understand it. I laugh only because I understand it so well. And I love that you wrote it so beautifully 🙂

  2. This was so great! Made me laugh! I needed this mommy humor today since my 3 year old has a virus and I haven’t slept in two days. Glad we have some of the same thought processes 🙂

  3. I literally laughed the entire way through this! So so accurate! In fact, throw in some Momma raising her voice, stating that she’s getting upset, and answering “We can have a good day if you listen” (or some variation) and this is Me, all.day.every.day. Then when I’ve really had enough, I tell Hun he needs to stop acting like he’s also a toddler and pick up all-of-the-things-everywhere that NO ONE but me can see! 🙂

  4. Yeah… Now add some age to your day (grandma watching a toddler)…. Plus one dog. And I wonder why I can’t get anything done during the day. I thought I lost my mind… Glad I’m not crazy. Love your post.

  5. Bahahaha! I laughed so loud, and my husband is sitting next to me with a puzzled look. This is a very well said article… with 100% accuracy!! Keep up the good work 🙂

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