I wrote a couple posts of daily schedules for infants and toddlers lately (see here) so I thought it would be fun[ny] to write out a daily schedule for stay-at-home-moms. This is a little tongue-in-cheek, but also totally true. Don’t worry, I really do love my children!
Way Too Early — Tell toddler to get back in bed. 15 times.
7:00am — Beg husband not to go to work yet so you can just take a shower in peace.
7:02am — Fall asleep instead.
7:30am — Husband leaves. No shower today. Feed the animals kids.
8:00am — Start laundry.
8:30am — Put on the same sweats you wore yesterday. Sniff armpit, then shrug and skip the deodorant.
9:00am — Wonder if it’s bedtime yet.
9:30am — Bribe toddler with TV while you put the baby down for a nap.
10:00am — Think about cleaning the kitchen. Sit on couch instead.
10:30am — Spend half an hour getting two kids ready to run to the store.
11:00am — Cancel grocery trip to clean up explosive diaper.
11:30am — Realize you haven’t changed the laundry yet. Start to go down to the laundry room, then notice toddler sprinkling the salt shaker all over the living room.
12:00pm — Make lunch for kids. Feed kids. Try to hold it together just a little bit longer.
12:30pm — Wrestle Tuck in two kids for nap. Consider having a glass of wine, but then every possible “What if” scenario that involves needing to be sober enough to drive to the hospital pops into your head.
1:00pm — Somebody’s crying. Make sure it’s not you. Pray she falls back asleep. Do a happy dance because God listened.
1:30pm — Put one dish in the dishwasher. Look at the rest of the dishes in the sink. Consider switching to disposable plates for life.
2:00pm — Realize you haven’t had lunch yet. Eat what’s left on the toddler’s plate since you still haven’t put it in the dishwasher.
2:30pm — Somebody’s crying. Promise yourself you’ll go up if she’s still crying in 10 minutes.
3:00pm — Give in and go get the crying kids.
3:01pm — Text husband, “Coming home yet?”
3:30pm — Chase toddler around house to retrieve a stick of butter.
4:00pm — Load two kids into the car to finally go grocery shopping.
4:02pm — Back out of the garage. Somebody vomits. Abort mission.
4:30pm — Put two dirty kids in the bath. Baby sucks on toddler’s toe. Save baby’s life.
5:00pm — Husband is home! Throw kids at him. Mumble, “Hey!” while brushing past him on the way to the fridge. Pour glass of wine.
5:30pm — Remember you don’t have anything to make for dinner because you never managed to get to the grocery store. Order pizza. Pepperoni counts as a vegetable, right?
6:00pm — Check if it’s bedtime yet.
6:30pm — Pretend like you can’t hear the toddler calling your name repeatedly. Daddy’s home, right?
7:00pm — Put baby to sleep while toddler decides it’s the perfect time to play the drums.
7:30pm — Put toddler to bed.
7:35pm — Tell toddler to get back in bed.
7:45pm — Tell toddler to get back in bed.
7:55pm — Tell toddler to get back in bed.
8:00pm — Enjoy a glass of wine with husband.
8:30pm — Gush about how amazing and cute and well-behaved your kids are. Completely believe yourself.
9:00pm — Crawl into bed. Realize you never finished the laundry. Pretend like you didn’t just realize it. Wonder why your husband can fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Kick him out of bed for snoring.
Midnight — Finally fall asleep after running through lists in your head of all the things you need to do the next day.